Don’t listen to advice from women about being effective with women. DO listen to their feedback.
Women give incredibly detailed and accurate feedback. A woman is by nature incredibly sensitive and in tune with her emotions. Women also have an amazing capacity to remember every little detail about a situation AND how it makes them feel.
What women undoubtedly suck at is giving men advice. If you ask a woman «how should I treat women so that women will like me?» She’ll more likely than not reply with cliché garbage that belongs in the dating advice column of some second rate publication. You know, «take her out to a nice dinner. Be a gentleman. Open the car door for her…» Yes, and while you’re at it, slam the car door on your genitals, as you shan’t be needing them tonight. Porn actress and speaker Violet
So it’s best not ask women for advice.
The feedback you get from women, on the other hand, is VITAL to understanding them. In general, women like to convey, not say. They want to be seduced, not persuaded. They want their imaginations captured, not to be logically convinced. Woman is a different kind of creature. She is a creature of subtlety and nuance, insinuation and body language. To know woman, you have to learn to read between the lines.
This isn’t to say that women can’t be logical or direct. They can be and they are. But we’re talking about seduction here, not business. And in the realm of seduction, emotion is the only currency that matters. Persuasion is lame. Logic is boring. Emotional excitement rules all.
So what kind of feedback do women give and how do you interpret it so that you can learn something useful? I’ll tell a quick story:
One cold ass afternoon in San Francisco, I was walking home from the subway station, bundled in my fleece and jacket. As I was walking, I saw a shapely figure standing at a bus stop across the street. Although she was wrapped in several layers for to insulate, I could tell she had a banging body, and her blonde hair spilled out in locks from under her warm beanie like gold coins overflowing from a pirate’s treasure chest.
I ran across the street before giving myself time to think (for truly, what is there to think about?) I came up beside her (never behind, this scares women), looked her deeply in her green eyes and allowed myself to linger there for just a moment longer than was appropriate. Like a hot shower on a nippy day, I just didn’t want to get out. But I had to…
Just a split second before she got uncomfortable, I motioned for her to take the earbuds out of her ears. I don’t recall exactly what I said. But it was to the effect of «hey, I know this is crazy. I saw you all the way from across the street. I wasn’t even really sure what you looked like but something PULLED me over here and now that I’m here I’m thinking wow you’re cute.» She was a bit skeptical and didn’t give me much to work with. And on top of that, her bus was pulling up. I went for broke. I looked her deep in the eyes, telegraphing my sexual intent clearly and honestly. «I want to see you later.» She said»ummm, ok…I’m on Facebook, search for my string quartet. It’s called such and such.» (turns out, she’s a classical violin player) And with a fart of diesel, she was gone, the dizzying fumes leaving me to wonder if what had just happened was a dream…
I found her on Facebook and we texted back and forth for a while. A few days later I invited her to meet me for a walk in the park. When we met I was blown the fuck away. It was warm outside and she wearing something so sexy that I can’t even remember what it was. I just remember feeling tingly sensations in my man parts and full on surprise at how hot she actually was.
So we walked in the park a bit, great vibes were flowing. And I asked her: «what made you come meet me today?» And she looked at me earnestly and replied «you just came up to me on the street and made a play. It was so bold.» I’ve heard this word a lot from women: «bold». Remember once and for all: bold is beautiful.
We took a seat in the park and chit-chatted. I don’t know what the hell took hold of me, but looking at this gorgeous woman, I was so possessed that I literally lunged across about 3 feet of personal space, straight for a big sloppy kiss. She was surprised and at least a little bit weirded out. Fuck. «Let’s take it slow, yeah?» she said. So I recomposed myself and we took it slow.
We had a nice date. We accessed our inner boy and inner girl and messed around on the playground. She’s a classical musician (and I was in a former life). The park has giant xylophones, so we did the only thing to do: we rocked the fuck out! As I said goodbye to her, I noticed something weird in her demeanor, and I knew instantly that I wouldn’t see her again. Turns out, I was right.
We texted back and forth a bit but she confessed that she wasn’t really feeling it. So I asked her why. (By they way, always always ask women why it didn’t work out. This is where the learning happens.) She told me that my overeagerness caused her to think that I was being un-genuine. And even though that wasn’t the case (I was being totally genuine), the point is that my action caused her to FEEL this way. Now it doesn’t take some Casanova to figure out that lunging at a woman’s lips from out of nowhere is a bad move. But the takeaway that I got from that is that pacing is important.
Now, I was bummed that I wasn’t going to see this gorgeous girl again nor taste the salt of her skin. But I was proud that I showed up like a man, fucked up like a man, and learned something, like a man. I asked this girl a number of other questions about our interactions and she gave me a TON of candid feedback. It’s funny because after that instance, my facility with the ladies took some kind of quantum leap. Instead of feeling like a foreigner in the land of women, I felt like I had gained citizenship and finally spoke the language fluently.
If I had asked this woman «what should I do to get better results the next time around?» she probably would have told me the same platitudes about being nice and blah blah blah. But instead, I simply asked her what I made her feel, when I made her feel it, and USED that information, that data, to draw my OWN conclusions. It’s just like asking a professional singer: «how can I sing like you do?» They might say «well you open your mouth and…you just sing!» Whereas if I say «let me watch you sing for a bit…» and then I observe that the singer’s jaw drops low in order to open the mouth; the adam’s apple stays stationary, the tongue arches up, the lips flare out like a trumpet. The singer isn’t necessarily aware of what he or she is doing. Nor is a woman.
To learn, you must be a detective of sorts, who looks only what the facts are and solves the mysteries on his own. Body language and subcommunications are your clues. Now make like Bogey.