One thing I’ve realized over the years is that a girl will inevitably start taking you for granted over time. And that’s a perfectly natural consequence of familiarity.
But it’s our responsibility as men to mitigate this process in order keep our relationships as healthy as possible. Just as we exercise to keep our bodies and minds healthy as we age, so too must we «exercise» the relationship, so to speak, in order to keep it healthy.
Stupid movies and books to the contrary, every relationship will eventually breathe it’s last breath, keel over, and die. That’s unavoidable. But in the meantime, why not bring out its potential and enjoy one another as fully as possible?
Part of keeping a relationship in a sort of perennial bloom involves maintaing the sexual tension, suspense and unpredictability and never allowing a girl to think that your time and love for her are a given.
In the real world love is absolutely, 100% conditional. Even what girls perceive as their unconditional love for you is actually entirely conditional upon your value as a lover, provider and man of high value. If you falter in those areas, she’ll drop you like a bad habit and move on to the next guy whom she loves ‘unconditionally’.
You can safely assume that your girl is taking you for granted when she does any or all of the following things:
- Plays with her smartphone while eating or spending one on one time with you
- Stops thanking you for treating her to dinner and other niceties
- Not so subtly talks to other men on the phone or on dating apps while you’re in the vicinity or the next room (God help a woman who does some silly shit like this)
- Mentions other men to you (with whom you’d quite naturally assume she is, or has been, romantically involved)
- Acts cute and submissive when she sees your displeasure at her bad behavior but doesn’t actually change her behavior. In other words, feigns apology.
- Starts to act entitled to your time and affection and throws fits when you don’t give it when she feels like it
- Expects to see you on some kind of regular schedule (e. g. every Thursday evening)
- Shows up 10, 20, 30 minutes later than agreed upon
- Stops dressing up, wearing make up and looking sexy for you (big red flag to watch out for)
- Stops catering to your sexual desires (any kind of sexual withholding is a HUGE red flag)
As always, it’s the man’s responsibility to prevent and correct these unacceptable behaviors. Or in the worst case scenario, the man must be ready to let a girl go if she’s unable or unwilling to act right.
Granted, some of these transgressions are more severe than others (like talking on the phone to another guy within earshot). But at the core, they’re all essentially symptoms of a man’s own lack of vigilance and enforcement of his terms. In other words, we are the ones who let a relationship come to a deplorable state. And thus, we too, are the ones who have to take ownership for its repair.
Superficially, getting angry and flipping out can be an effective antidote for shitty behavior. But it’s effects are temporary. As I age, get wiser and expand my female options, I find myself unwilling to use psychic and physical energy so inefficiently. I increasingly guard my inner resources and so my approach now is more subtle than in the past.
I will calmly look at my girl and say «baby.» She then glances up at me. «If you ever do that again, we’re through. Do you understand what I’m saying to you? Are you sure you understand…? (She nods) Good girl.»
No losing my temper, no loud scenes. Just a naked reminder that no matter how much I love my girl, I love myself first and foremost. And she knows I’m dead serious.
Every man should be able to say the following to himself and believe it wholeheartedly: «I will never knowingly trade any amount of my self-respect for a girl, I don’t care how amazing she is.»
I need to add an important caveat to the points above:
It’s much easier to come from this position of unbending strength if a man has optionality. Otherwise, a guy might be scared to lose access to a reliable and hard won source of female companionship. So we can conclude that a top priority of any man who wants women in his life and on his own terms, is to cultivate options.
I want to share a short anecdote in closing:
There was a girl I saw regularly for over 6 months. When our relationship began, it began passionately. She always came over dressed in sexy skirts, alluring lipstick and accentuating makeup.
She respected my time and gave me her full attention when we were together. She didn’t mention other guys to me. She showed up on time to all of our rendezvous.
Then about 7 months in she showed up in ratty clothing and flip flops. She had no makeup on. Her demeanor suggested that she need not try to impress me anymore. We went out to dinner (where I was somewhat embarrassed to be seen with her as I was dressed very well) and she got drunk and stupid. We came back to my place and she initiated sex in between gags of almost-vomiting.
She’s no longer in my life. That was the night I realized I’d fucked up and let it get to that point. And by then it was frankly too late. I did really care about her. I loved her, in fact. And because she knew this and saw this, she took it as license to completely abandon conduct and appearance that a man finds attractive.
I had let the relationship fall into ruin and now it was too far gone. And that sucks because I had to let a great girl go because of my own inattention and languor.